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Parkward moments

May 3, 2018


First of all I want to take a minute to just point out how accurate this meme is since my 29 year old grown ass has 3 to 6 months left (fingers crossed) with braces in my mouth. This shit better be worth it becase I have frankly hated every minute of the past year and a half with these bad boys. 


Anywho!!! Ahhhhhh the park... that place that as children we love so dear. The monkey bars, the slides, and of course the swings; pure heaven. As I have previously mentioned, my oldest's favourite word when she was two was park. Park park park park park park. As a mom, I want to give my kids a great childhood filled with memories of joy and playing. However, this is one of those cute little tidbits NO ONE TELLS YOU about parenting. No one tells you that you are going to have to drag your grown ass almost every decent weather day to the most awkward place on Earth. Awkward you ask? FUCK YES! Heres the thing, there is a perfect storm that happens when you clench onto your sanity as you say "yes we can go to the park." First of all, do you go alone with your kids or do you try and convince another person who know that this is an amazing idea that won't make you want to cry in the fetal position. If you are like me and eat dinner early, 5pm, your option is to wait until every normal person is done eating before you go or go and be alone. There is your first lose lose situation. If you wait you get to spend "x" amount of time hearing "can we go now, when are we going, can I wait outside, can I bring my bike, mom im bored, let's goooooo, mom why are we waiting, mom im tired, mom im hungry, mom I need to pee mom!!!!." You get the point. Also, you risk them getting them over tired at the park and you are that parent draggggggggging your kid kicking and screaming to get them home. The other option is to go alone and here comes the "parkward."

Now listen, the struggle is freaken real. As a socially awkward person I am already on edge as we walk to the park praying to God my kids remember I was that mom who always took them and that they completely are unaware of my inner voice crying in the corner. So you get to the park, now what. Now comes the stare down. There are a few different types of moms at the park. You have the "mom of toddlers/babies" who spend their whole time talking in that squeaky voice trying to look like a good parent who doesnt let their kids eat shit off the floor. Then there is the mom of the older kids who gets to sit back and enjoy a good book while her little angels play. Fyi these are usually the kids you wish you could yell at. Then there is the MIA mom. We have a lot of parents around here who let their kids go to the park alone. Again, you want to yell at these kids to trust me. Next we have the moms who doesnt speark english. These just smile at you every time your eyes meet. Its awkward but harmless. Let's not forget about the moms who some how manage to have friends with kids and they get to actually have normal conversations with a fellow adult (lucky bastards). These are usually the girls in highschool would never talk to you. Trust me DO NOT try to engage, you will fail. There is the always on the phone mom where you question who they are talking to forevvvvvver or they are balls deep in their social media newfeed and probably wouldn't notice is a bomb went off. Finally, there is the overly prepared unicorn moms. The moms you strive to be but always seem to fall short and feel like a smuck. These moms have it all; looks, hair done, along with every possible "kid" item you would need at the park. I am talking about snacks, wipes, tissues, drinks, sunscreen, and a partridge in a pear tree. These are the rockstars. But again DO NOT try to engage. They aren't mean like the clique moms but these moms cannot see you. I repeat they CANNOT SEE YOU. They are 100 percent in the zone and the zone doesn't include your over grown, self loathing ass. Trust me I've tried, sigh. 

So..... where does this leave me? I am the "sucking it up to be here showing off my Sheldon Cooper smile while praying to God I find an excuse to leave early." Its a mixture between "don't make eye contact, hold a steady face, control the bitch stare, and always know where the kids are for a fast exit." We all know the face I am talking about. Go to anywhere where their kids, and most of the parents have that "please help me, I am so bored, what has my life come to" look on their face. 

Today I actually saw someone that I know. Great! My night is saved! Ha no. It was very parkward. The awkward small talk leading into that moment of silence who you arent sure if you should stay, or go, or start crying. I let my oldest play with her friend for a bit, but oh damn my youngest started to run away. Darn! Well....... woops got to go.... great... catching up? Maybe? I don't know. Their should be a reality show based on the park scene. Like a survivor meets mean girls mash up. CBC get on this! Right when I gave my older one the two minute warning we were leaving, the heavens opened up and it started to rain. Kinda like the man upstairs saying "shhhh this one is on me, rest my child." Thank you. Oh and when I got home I realized I stayed beyond the tired point with my youngest and she spent the last half hour before bed screaming. Yay!

As much as I love seeing my kids happy, man my inner personality needs a snack and snuggle.


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